Jane Eyre, the Facebook edition
by writergal85
Summary: An exercise in extreme summarization.


_If all the characters in Jane Eyre were on Facebook and told their story through status updates on the news feed, here's what I imagine it would be like. Inspired by other sites, like Austenbook and several Twilight Facebook news feeds, as well as Charlotte Bronte's brilliant prose. All characters and plot devices are the property of Ms. Bronte, of course. PS: If anyone knows how to make this actually look like the Facebook news feed, I would welcome the help!  
_

Jane Eyre does not want to go for a walk today.

Mrs. Reed, John Reed, Eliza Reed and Georgiana Reed have joined the cause "Abuse and Mistreat Jane Eyre"

Jane Eyre thinks John Reed is like a murderer! Like a slave-driver! Like the Roman emperors!

Mrs. Reed thinks Jane Eyre is a wicked child who must be locked in the red room.

Jane Eyre hopes the ghost of Uncle Reed doesn't come back! She cannot endure it!

Bessie is now friends with Jane Eyre

Mrs. Reed is now friends with Mr. Brocklehurst.

Mr. Brocklehurst thinks Jane Eyre is a wicked child who will go to hell.

Jane Eyre will keep in good health and not die.

Jane Eyre is at Lowood School

Helen Burns is now friends with Jane Eyre

Mr. Brocklehurst has joined the group "Jane Eyre is a liar"

80 of your friends have joined the group "Jane Eyre is not a liar and a good child"

Miss Temple is now friends with Jane Eyre

Helen Burns is sick. Cough. Cough.

Helen Burns is dead.

Jane is a teacher in need of a new servitude.

Alice Fairfax has tagged Jane Eyre in her note "Governess wanted, with satisfactory references"

Jane Eyre is at Thornfield Hall.

Alice Fairfax is now friends with Jane Eyre

Adele Varens is singing and reciting poetry! In French!

Jane Eyre is now friends with Adele Varens

Bertha Rochester is laughing. Hahahahaha!

Alice Fairfax has tagged Grace Poole in her note "Too much noise!"

Jane Eyre thinks Grace Poole is a singular person.

Jane Eyre is walking to post a letter.

Edward Rochester has fallen from his horse and sprained his ankle. What the deuce is to do now?!?

Pilot is bark, bark, bark.

Jane Eyre wants to help.

Edward Rochester is bewitched.

Edward Rochester is at Thornfield Hall.

Adele Varens is a became a fan of "Presents"

Jane Eyre has joined the group "English schoolgirls who play piano a little"

Edward Rochester became a fan of "Jane Eyre's Sketches"

Jane Eyre does not think Edward Rochester handsome.

Edward Rochester demands amusing conversation. Speak!

Jane Eyre is perplexed by Edward Rochester.

Edward Rochester is dwelling on his darker thoughts.

Adele Varens is going to dance!

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "Adele's mother"

Jane Eyre pities her master.

Bertha Rochester became a fan of "FIRE!"

Jane Eyre is putting out fires.

Edward Rochester is soaking wet! What the deuce is going on?!?

Jane Eyre is cold.

Edward Rochester is now friends with Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre is not cold. In fact, she is quite warm now.

Edward Rochester is attending the event "Party at Mr. Eshton's place"

Alice Fairfax became a fan of Blanche Ingram.

Jane Eyre is ashamed and sickened by her folly.

Edward Rochester has created an event: "Party at Thornfield Hall"

Adele Varens is wearing her best dress to the party!

Jane Eyre is dreading the party.

Blanche Ingram, Mary Ingram and Lady Ingram have joined the group "Governesses are a nuisance"

Jane Eyre is depressed and tired.

Richard Mason is attending the event "Party at Thornfield Hall"

Blanche Ingram wants to have her fortune told NOW! She must have her will.

Blanche Ingram thinks that gispy fortune-teller was a fraud who should be placed in the stocks tomorrow.

Jane Eyre is not cold, sick or silly, nor is she afraid of this gispy.

Edward Rochester is the gipsy!

Richard Mason is looking for something in the attic…

Bertha Rochester is angry and bloodsucking! Aaaaaah!

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "Need your help in the attic!"

Richard Mason is out of the woods.

Bessie has tagged Jane Eyre in her note "Mrs. Reed is dying"

Jane Eyre is at Gateshead.

Eliza Reed thinks Georgiana Reed is a fat, puffy, useless thing

Georgiana Reed thinks Eliza Reed is the most selfish, heartless creature in existence.

Mrs. Reed has tagged Jane Eyre in her note "Letter from your Uncle John Eyre"

Mrs. Reed is dead.

Jane Eyre is back at Thornfield Hall!

Edward Rochester and Blanche Ingram are in a relationship

Jane Eyre must leave Thornfield and go to Ireland!

Edward Rochester is single

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "Be my second self and best earthly companion"

Edward Rochester and Jane Eyre are engaged.

Edward Rochester, Jane Eyre, and Adele Varens are attending the event "Shopping in town!"

Jane Eyre will not be overwhelmed.

Jane Eyre has tagged John Eyre in her note "Getting married."

Bertha Rochester hates weddings! Aaaaaaah!

Jane Eyre needs a new wedding veil.

Edward Rochester and Jane Eyre are attending the event "Rochester wedding"

Mr. Briggs declares the existence of an impediment.

Edward Rochester and Bertha Rochester are now married.

Bertha is Aaaaaaaah!

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "I love you. Please forgive me."

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "Come live with me."

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note "All my past wrongs, confessed. I love you."

Edward Rochester is begging for Jane's love.

Jane Eyre has left Thornfield Hall.

Jane Eyre is cold and hungry and lost on the moors. And she misses Edward. L

Diana Rivers became a fan of "Helping beggar women"

Mary Rivers became a fan of "Helping beggar women"

St. John Rivers wonders who this beggar woman is.

Jane Eyre and Diana Rivers are now friends.

Jane Eyre and Mary Rivers are now friends

St. John Rivers is ministering to the sick and has no time for Facebook friends.

Jane Eyre has updated her employment and contact info

Rosamond Oliver became a fan of St. John Rivers

Rosamond Oliver has tagged St. John Rivers in her note "Come home with me and visit Papa."

St. John Rivers became a fan of "Portraits of a certain young woman."

St. John Rivers scorns such weakness and fevers of the flesh. He is a cold, hard man.

St. John Rivers has tagged Jane Eyre in her note, "Your uncle is dead, you are rich and I know your secret."

Jane Eyre and St. John Rivers are related.

Jane Eyre and Mary Rivers are related.

Jane Eyre and Diana Rivers are related.

Jane Eyre and St. John Rivers have joined the group, "Learning Hindostanee."

St. John Rivers has tagged Jane Eyre in his note, "Marry me and come to India."

Jane Eyre thinks her heart is mute. Her heart is mute.

St. John Rivers has tagged Jane Eyre in his note, "Formed for labor, not love."

Jane Eyre has tagged St. John Rivers in her note, "I scorn your idea of love!"

Jane Eyre wonders what has happened to Mr. Rochester?

Jane Eyre is considering St. John's marriage proposal…

Edward Rochester has tagged Jane Eyre in his note, "Jane! Jane! Jane!"

Jane Eyre has tagged Edward Rochester in her note, "I am coming!"

Bertha Rochester is starting fires…

Edward Rochester has tagged Grace Poole in his note, "Where the deuce is Bertha?"

Bertha is flying!

Bertha is dead.

Edward Rochester is blind and maimed. And he still misses Jane.

Edward Rochester wants his candles damn it! Just because he's blind doesn't mean he doesn't need them!

Pilot is bark, bark, bark.

Jane Eyre has come back.

Jane Eyre has joined the cause "Rehumanize Rochester."

Jane Eyre has tagged Edward Rochester in her note, "My time at Moor House"

Edward Rochester hates St. John Rivers and his Grecian profile.

Jane Eyre loves Edward Rochester – best.

Edward Rochester loves Jane Eyre best.

Jane Eyre has tagged you in her note, "Reader, I married him."

Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester are now married.

Edward Rochester can see! And he has a son! God has tempered judgment with mercy.

St. John Rivers is dead.


End file.
